The Practice

Winter of atmospheric rivers, Corbett Heights, San Francisco 2023

I recently embarked on a profound journey of love with someone I had been dating for a few months; a love that didn't blossom at first sight. It astonished me how swiftly my heart opened, despite the brevity of time. After two decades of mingling with various women, a novel sensation captivated me, inspiring my very being. This magical enchantment of love and the immense capacity it awakened within me left me awestruck, marveling at the concealed possibilities within my existence. I consider myself fortunate to have experienced intimacy with countless remarkable women, each of whom became my greatest life teachers.

Last Sunday marked the shattering of my heart, an immensely powerful experience to behold. I vividly recall the surge of overwhelming sensations coursing through my body. My heart sank, my gut twisted and turned, the ground beneath my feet lost its solidity, breaths turned shallow, and sorrow ran cold through my veins. Briefly closing my eyes, I witnessed this symphony of emotions unfold simultaneously. Then, I took a deep breath, grounding myself, grateful that it happened just after an incredible Yoga Nidra class. My body, mind, and spirit were nurtured, aligning with the present moment and surrendering completely to reality as it unfolded before my eyes. Yoga Nidra's gift of internal spaciousness provided refuge within, transforming me from a victimized participant into a compassionate observer of reality. Though sadness and grief exploded within me, my heart continued to emanate calm, steady energy. I smiled, knowing that I would be okay.

I expressed profound gratitude for the fleeting but exquisite bond we shared and for the opportunity to experience a unique and tender love. A deep somatic sensation of love affirmed my intuition and inner wisdom, as I consciously opened myself bit by bit, knowing the vulnerability I embraced and the potential for heartbreak that awaited. The absence of reciprocation and acknowledgment didn't surprise me, as I understood the risks of courageously baring my heart. Time and again, I received no reciprocity, yet I recognized that love truly resides in giving rather than receiving. I embraced the love that flowed from me, cherishing the experience and honoring its necessity.

We find ourselves in an era rampant with dishonesty and fear, where people shy away from intimacy and closeness due to the visceral fear of past wounds. Grief and sadness remain unintegrated fragments of life stories. Many individuals endure a fragmentation of the soul, their truth forsaken and replaced by egotistical, self-crafted narratives that harden their genuine essence. I am proud to have experienced something pure at the core of my being, an authentic expression of my true self. I had to let go of self-restraint. Like others, I faced fear and confronted the full spectrum of emotions that emerged from vulnerability, summoning the courage to remain unapologetically myself. This was no fleeting infatuation or lustful romance; it emanated from the depths of my being, and I wholeheartedly honored it.

What unfolded thereafter was even more intriguing. My mind embarked on a campaign, weaving every possible narrative. It lured me into mindless trances, whisking me away to various moments in the past, desperately seeking answers to what went wrong. At each turn, my mind ensnared me, questioning my worthiness of love and perpetuating a sense of inadequacy. I explored countless possibilities of what could be wrong with me. Should I have refrained from expressing my love? My mind spiraled into a frenzy while my body bore the intense pain of a ruptured attachment. I experienced the familiar addiction to anxiety, a subject I intend to delve further into in my future writing.

I gathered my internal strength and resources once more, closing my eyes. Inviting my breath into my being, I began to cultivate relaxation, as I do every morning during meditation. I focused on the sensations within my body, starting with my heart. Painful feelings of disappointment and grief resided within various recesses of my being. Suddenly, my awareness led me to remember the teachings of Tara Brach. Her discussions on RAIN echoed in my mind, reminding me to Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture.

As I summoned the memory of RAIN, the process of recognition was already underway. I became aware of my experience, detached from the ceaseless narrative of the mind, stepping into my witnessing consciousness. Dr. Jud Brewer, a renowned psychiatrist and neuroscientist from Brown University, recently shared in an interview with Tara Brach that the simple act of recognition or labeling can reduce anxiety and stress by an astounding 67%.

The moment I embraced "allowing," I recognized my tendency to deny myself the full experience of pain. A part of my psyche worked tirelessly to shield me from pain, leading me down a more agonizing path in my futile attempt to push the initial pain away. This inner dynamic fascinated me, reminding me of how I turn to my phone addictively, seeking distraction rather than being present with myself. By avoiding disconnection, I inadvertently starve myself of genuine connection. Similarly, in this situation, I chose to evade the pain, engaging in behaviors that would ultimately lead me to a deeper anguish. However, once I compassionately allowed myself to feel, tears streamed down my face, and for the first time, I felt a release within my nervous system.

During the exploration of my inner experience, I realized that I was suffering. My suffering arose from clinging to a fixed notion of reality, failing to acknowledge the ever-changing nature of life. Sadly, I had neglected to practice impermanence, leading to the eruption of grief. This realization was incredibly powerful. Life continually guides me toward the practice of impermanence, urging me to observe the constant flux occurring in every moment. I am humbled by life's essence and grateful for this poignant reminder.

Throughout the journey, I held and nurtured myself with utmost compassion, like a mother tending to her child, enveloping myself in attuned tenderness. We sang songs, poured our hearts out through tears, and released the sorrows granted to me that night. Yet, I knew I needed the embrace of a friend, to be witnessed by someone other than myself, held within the loving container of friendship. I am sincerely grateful for my incredible friends, especially RaLuca, a multifaceted divine human being, whose talent as a singer and artist is surpassed only by her capacity for love. Having such loving support structures in life can carry us through the most challenging moments. As night approached, I recognized that sleep was the ultimate balm. I hoped and prayed for renewal in the days to come, laying myself to rest.

Meditation is a daily practice, an invitation to step into something greater than ourselves in every circumstance life presents. It is an acknowledgment that I am not my body, my pain, or my thoughts. Rather, I am the consciousness that observes the interconnectedness of all life. May all beings cultivate awareness, recognizing the all-pervading consciousness within every being. May the light of consciousness continue to illuminate the path of truth for all beings, in every corner of the world.