Existential Pleasure
Medieval Romanesque Art, Museu Nacional d'Art de Catalunya, Barcelona
In my previous blog post, I delved into my clandestine longing to surrender to mindlessness, for there is a curious pleasure I derive from being enveloped in its grasp. This behavior, often unconscious, is deeply ingrained within the fabric of my psyche, a pattern that has persisted for ages. When I contemplate my patterns of excessive eating, particularly with regard to sugar, a multitude of angels come to mind.
Firstly, there is the influence of my paternal lineage, plagued by the affliction known as diabetes, a "dis-ease" of the blood sugar. In essence, diabetes is a chronic condition that disrupts the body's conversion of food into energy. The majority of ingested food breaks down into sugar, which is then released into the bloodstream. When blood sugar levels rise, it triggers the pancreas to release insulin, a key that unlocks the cells, allowing sugar to enter and be utilized as energy. However, in the case of diabetes, the body either produces insufficient insulin or fails to utilize it effectively. Consequently, excess sugar remains in the bloodstream, leading to severe health complications such as heart disease, vision impairment, and kidney disease. Sadly, my grandfather succumbed to the aftermath of amputation surgery resulting from diabetes, and my father currently relies on diabetes medication. Without a significant intervention, it is highly likely that I will follow in their footsteps. Thus, I am confronted with the genetic aspect, an inherited vulnerability that intertwines with my proclivity for overeating and an imbalanced relationship with substances like sugar. In future writings, I will delve further into the deep-rooted wounds (or gifts) inherited from our ancestors, as well as explore the intricate connection between the physiological aspects of this disease and its unfolding impact on the psyche.
The other aspect, the focal point of this post, lies in the intricate web of psychology. Let us ground this discussion in something personal and specific: my love for pizza. A peculiar energy courses through my body as I approach the consumption of an entire pizza pie by myself. When the essence of pizza, primarily in the form of sugar and carbohydrates, permeates my bloodstream, a profound realization dawns upon me. Beyond the physical sensations, what I truly crave is the experience within my brain—a surge of dopamine coursing through my entire system. Yet, upon the realization, a wave of harsh self-criticism engulfs me. The internal narration berates me for my perceived failure, for succumbing once again to the trance of mindlessness without making any effort to resist (a lack of self-control). At times, I am cognizant of my poor choices, but still, an inner part of my psyche yearns to continue this self-sabotaging pattern, relishing in the strange satisfaction derived from this self-inflicted pain.
I suspect that some of you, as you read this, may perceive me as mentally disturbed or troubled. However, I beg to differ, and here's why. Where does this lack of self-love truly originate? The answer lies in a concept that presents a mental challenge, one that I hope you will accompany me in exploring. Numerous theories stemming from profound thinkers in the field of psychology exist. Personally, upon deep reflection, I believe that I consist of a multitude of selves. Within me, various permutations of self arise and fade, sometimes with my awareness (through mindfulness) and at other times without (in the trance of mindlessness). When I operate in a state of mindlessness, one dominant inner self tends to take control, or at least that is the semblance experienced. Through mindfulness, I gain a clearer view of these different selves, engaging with each individually or sometimes even collectively. Some of the self-destructive behaviors stem from hidden parts of my psyche, unseen consciously until now.
These concealed aspects reside deep within my being, for they are aware that my ego-self harshly judges their existence, especially if I have long disowned them. I continue to push these parts further away, unwilling to accept their association with me, simply because I find them unfavorable. Renowned psychologist Carl Jung referred to these concealed parts as the Shadow. Jung described the shadow as the cognitive blind spot of our psyche—a submerged facet of our nature, residing within the unconscious, comprising repressed desires, ideas, instincts, weaknesses, and shortcomings. Every time I indulge in pizza, I perceive my body as unattractive. My ego-self detests this perceived unattractiveness, leading me to unconsciously cast it into the shadows of my psyche. Thus, within me, a part exists that unconsciously influences my behavior and choices, often manifesting in surprising and disruptive ways during critical moments, akin to Will Smith's infamous Oscar Slapping moment. The lack of self-love ultimately arises from the inability to embrace all aspects of the self, including the undesirable parts. Until I accept the presence of unattractive facets within myself, wholeheartedly loving and nurturing them with compassion, these difficult and challenging parts will continue to exert control over my being, derailing my journey towards wholeness. As Rumi eloquently penned:
"This being human is a guest house.
Every morning, a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond."
It does not come naturally for me to welcome these unwanted aspects of myself. However, I must summon the courage to grant them presence, contemplating the meaning of ugliness. In her brilliant work, "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers," Debbie Ford introduces a practice that forever transformed my relationship with these rejected parts. The practice involves gazing into the mirror and truly seeing all my facets, including the unwanted and undesired ones. I gaze upon my reflection, confronting my ugly, obese, and overweight being, repeating to myself, over and over again: I am ugly, I am unattractive. I am uglier than the homeless person I see on the street. When I am overweight, I am undesirable and unwanted. As Jung emphasized, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life, and you will call it Fate." However, Jung also pointed out, "One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." By gazing into the mirror and embracing the rejected parts as integral to my being, I consciously integrate them into my wholeness.
So, how are pleasure and the Shadow intertwined? In my view, there exists a connection between the Shadow and a peculiar unconscious pleasure it derives. By unconsciously overeating, I find pleasure in the weight gain, as it allows me to unconsciously revel in the rejection of these undesirable aspects of myself. While Jung acknowledged and concurred with Freud's notion of the "id"—the primitive and instinctual aspect of personality—Jung expanded upon it. The id operates impulsively and unconsciously, responding immediately to impulses, guided solely by the pleasure principle without considering consequences. Freud's perspective on the id was predominantly negative, whereas Jung's concept of the shadow offers an opportunity to harness its power, bringing it into the light of consciousness and empowering the self.
In my opinion, this model aligns well with the understanding of the non-duality of the universe. Non-dual Tantra, derived from the Sanskrit word Advaita, meaning "not two" or "non-separation," posits that there is a single consciousness permeating the fabric of reality, and everything within the universe is an inseparable part of it. Therefore, in my experience, my rejected and ugly self is an integral part of the all-pervading oneness consciousness. By rejecting this part, it unconsciously influences my behavior, leading me to make choices that inhibit my access to infinite potential until I fully embrace it within the light of my being. The path to liberation from this self-imposed imprisonment lies in wholeheartedly embracing and accepting this perceived shameful pleasure. In the world of non-dual Tantra, specifically Kashmir Shaivism, one experiences liberation, freedom, or release by indulging in worldly enjoyments, encompassing pleasure, power, and all the joys of the tangible world. However, the goal of such pleasure is to serve complete spiritual freedom and awaken to the ultimate reality. "Existential Kink" delves into this topic, providing profound insights and guiding meditations that help readers practice deriving pleasure from otherwise rejected and shameful aspects of the shadow self.
The realm of the psyche is an intricate terrain to navigate, but as the stoic philosopher Epictetus once said, "there is nothing more traceable than the human psyche." It appears that spirituality, philosophy, and psychology are deeply interconnected. In this era of infinite choices, one can unlock the boundless potential of the self by delving into the depths of the psyche and meticulously examining each facet. I hope that this writing has served as a gateway to various concepts and bodies of work, inviting you to embark on your own internal investigation.